Tea's Weird Week: The Top 7 Flattest of the Flat Earth Hip Hop Songs

An Examination of One of Music's Strangest Sub-genres, Plus the #TrumpConspiracyCounter Hits 063

In past "Tea's Weird Week" columns, I explored conspiracy theories and urban legends about musicians, everyone from The Beatles to Tupac Shakur to Kurt Cobain to Ace of Base. You can read part one HERE and part two HERE.

But what about music by the conspiracy theorists, for the conspiracy theorists? Although there's examples of JFK Assassination Folk and Extraterrestrial themed pop-punk out there, no conspiracy topic has as well-rounded (sorry) of a musical output as Flat Earth Theory, as I discovered when I attended the Flat Earth International Conference in Dallas this last November. Flat Earthers create music in a variety of genres, but the bulk is hip hop, or as I like to call it, "flat hop." You might be as surprised as I was to learn that there is more than one flat hop artist, and more than a dozen around the world (sorry)... but probably not much more than a dozen.

Bust out a big piece of cardboard, Globeheads, find a flat surface (again, sorry) and get ready to start break-dancing because here is...

7. "Get Over It," Mr. Matty Moses

Choice rhyme: "You're digger deeper and you don't know what to believe/ you're getting pissed off that you've been duped and deceived/who do you blame NASA? The elites? (both of 'em)/ a lot of darker voices hiding our reality that...the earth's flat, flat flat get over it."

Notes: Mr. Matty Moses isn't having it and wants you to get over the globe lies. To prove he's tough on this, he's rapping atop a pile of pallets behind a factory and other urban environments. Bonus point for working in a diss on Greek philosopher Pythagoras (credited with being one of the first to realize the world is round) into the rap.

6. "The World is Flat," B.A.G.D.A.G. featuring D. Marble

Choice rhyme: "I’m on a mission to go out and wake the masses/ Like this is They Live, and I’m handing out glasses/ Like 'put these on quick and you can see how fake space is'/ Like I was sent here to tear down the Matrix."

Notes: These guys are super stoked about their personalized flat earth sweatshirts. Which came first-- the song or the sweatshirts? I'm betting sweatshirts. They Live and The Matrix are frequently referenced in Flat Earther culture (and conspiracy believers in general).

5. "Round and Curvy," Friend of Yahweh

Choice rhyme: "I want to flow with the planets/ but oh well I can't get past the firmament/ Just too round and curvy/ think I'm just too round and curvy/ I'm just too NASA nerdy."

Notes: Wow-weeeee, I'm speechless. This is a (sometimes shot-for-shot) parody of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "White and Nerdy" video (which is a parody of "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire). This parody of parody is told from the perspective of a complete tool who believes in, you know, science, and features alien marionettes and a rapping "round and curvy" earth. Does the world-- round or flat-- need a "Flat Earth Weird Al" Yankovic? The answer is NO.

4. "It's Flat!," Curved Water

Choice rhyme: "It's flat/ and now it feels so good to me/ I'm waking every day with this smile/ full of positivity/ waited all my life just to think for myself/ just a little bit more critically."

Notes: I don't know that this technically counts as hip hop, but I had to include it because of the damn hot flat earth passion! Most flat hop is about dissing NASA, mainstream science, the Illuminati, etc., but this song is about the pure ecstasy of discovering that the world is flat. It's a flat earth song to make sweet love to.

3.  "Dear NASA, Why Are you Lying?," ODD TV

Choice rhyme: "NASA's missions to the moon were never completed/ they just filmed them in a room and people believed it/ I used to wonder what it's like to be an astronaut/ now when I seem em acting I can't help but laugh a lot."

Notes: ODD TV is one of the grandmasters of flat hop, no doubt. Check out my note about the playlist I made at the end of this article for more ODD tracks like "Cartoon Ball." I chose this one for the sick Chili Peppers sample and the overall Flat Earth mood.

2. "Flatliner," B.o.B.

Choice rhyme: "Woo!/ Use Use your common sense/ why is NASA part of the Department of Defense?/ they divided up the seas into 33 degrees/ feeding kids masonry bruh, be careful what you read."

Notes: This is a Neil Degrasse Tyson diss track! After B.o.B. talked about the world being flat in an interview, it sparked a beef between the rapper and the astrophysicist. B.o.B. recorded this diss track and Tyson appeared on Comedy Central's The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore to literally drop a mic to demonstrate gravity. Guys, slow down! Remember what happened to Tupac and Biggie!

1. "Flat Smackin' (The All-Star Remix)," Wes Blaze Muzik featuring Amber Paster, Sebastian Calico, ODD TV, DECM, Flat Earth Man, The Watcher, D, Marble, and B.A.G.D.A.G.

Choice rhyme: "Eat. Sleep. Debunk the globe, repeat."

Notes: I have some sentimental value to this song because I saw it performed live at the Flat Earth International Conference last year and it was my awakening to the fact that flat hop was a thing. Just a couple great things about this track: 1.) "Flat smacking" is a Flat Earther term that refers to dropping knowledge on unsuspecting "globeheads" that the world is flat. 2.) Flat Earth Man is the biggest Flat Earther music star, a British dude that sings country songs about flat earth. He joins in the all-star rap here in the greatest country/ hip hop crossover since "Old Town Road."

Please Clap Dept.: I've just created an American Madness Channel on YouTube, please subscribe. I haven't uploaded any of my own videos yet. So far I got 4 playlists rolling: Flat Hop, which features all the songs on this list (plus several more), playlists with videos on the Bohemian Grove and Denver Airport Conspiracy, and a Tea Krulos Interviews list which has a few of my appearances on various podcasts. More playlists to follow soon. Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoFCwzjjghaVXSWUwEZx27g/playlists 

My upcoming book American Madness features my experience at a flat earth conference, among many other conspiracy encounters. It's out August 25, 2020 from Feral House. To pre-order: CLICK HERE

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Check out the version of this column that includes the #TrumpConspiracyCounter at the end at: teakrulos.com