Here’s a true story: one time, back in the late ’90s, a straight male Straight staffer went to the now-defunct Hungry Eye on Cordova to see a big-deal alt-underground act called Alice Donut. Said staffer spent the next two days telling anyone who’d listen that the guitarist was hotter than Joan Jett circa ’82. Too bad the chick playing the guitar was actually an androgynous dude. This brings us, in a very roundabout way, to Alice Francis, who headlines the two-day Electro Vaudeville Festival at the Legion on Commercial Drive, this Friday and Saturday (April 12 and 13). Actually, you know what? Alice Francis has fuck all to do with Alice Donut. For a start, she’s a cabaret-indebted star from Germany, not an art-punk project from New York City. Not only that, but she looks like she’d smell better than Alice Donut. Hop on YouTube and punch in “Alice Francis + St. James Ballroom” and you’ll discover something more awesomely retro-’20s than the hotel party scenes in The Shining. As if that’s not enough, she’ll be playing the Electro Vaudeville Festival with mashup artists like the Swingrowers from Italy and Sepiatonic from Portland, and local stalwarts like the Creaking Planks and Blackberry Wood. The purpose of this whole shindig? That would be to jack up vintage swing and jazz songs with the kind of big electro beats you normally hear in Ibiza. Where, by the way, a certain male staffer once saw this totally hot girl in a nightclub, and then spent the next two days…