Age: 61.
Appearance: 50% Nigel Kennedy, 30% Liberace, 20% pantomime footman.
What kind of a name is Rieu? It's like the hand from hell in Scrabble. C'est français, petit idiot.
He's a frog? His ancestors were; Rieu himself is Dutch. But we don't call them frogs on G2. Nor do we make jokes about clogs, windmills, tulips, bestiality or Edam.
Excuse me while I tear up my questions . . . So who exactly is this chap? He's one of the world's bestselling classical musicians. He's been playing the violin since he was five and right now he's got five albums in the classical top 10.
No one's that big – not even Katherine Jenkins, and she's been on Doctor Who. She was only in the chart once, just like Aled Jones and Russell Watson.
This classical top 10 sounds a wee bit lowbrow, but still – five albums! How does Rieu do it? He's one hell of a showman, pouring millions into his concerts, and never worried about going over the top. One tour featured a replica of a Viennese palace, complete with two ice rinks, a ballroom, golden chandeliers, a hand-painted ceiling and working fountains. As well as a 60-strong orchestra, featuring a remarkable number of attractive young women, he usually throws in a few dozen horses and/or pipers.
At last we see where Lady Gaga got her inspiration. What kind of music does he play? Bach, Vivaldi? Some obscure eastern European numbers? Not when it matters. His concert repertoire includes The Blue Danube, Edelweiss and I Could Have Danced All Night. Nor he is averse to a singalong: in Australia he played the Neighbours theme tune. "I play the music that touches my heart," he says. "That is why my fans respond with theirs."
Is he known as the king of something? These musical greats usually are. Officially he's the Waltz King. Others call it "schmaltz".
Do say: "It's the most exciting show I've ever seen."
Don't say: ". . . and one of the dullest I've ever heard."