Has there ever been a more offensive programme than Secret Diary of A Call Girl ? And is there anything worse than finding yourself offended – like some Daily Mail reader – by something on TV?
But I can't help it. Call Girl has been offending me for three years now from the moment Billie Piper appeared at the start of the first episode fluttering her eyelashes, practically sucking her thumb and pouting proudly: "The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a whore."
Hey Billie, don't worry about it, I thought. Some of my best friends are whores. And not all of us journalists.
She quickly established the premise of the show (based on the blog by Belle Du Jour). Unsurprisingly, it was predicated on that, um, hoary old view that said whore was not a victim, a damaged, deluded fantasist, but A Woman In Control.
"I'm not cheap," she insisted, protesting too much. "'Cheap' is getting drunk, falling into bed with stranger." Well that would be common. "I'm expensive." All right then, if it makes you happy … you're an expensive whore.
Billie plays Hannah (aka Belle) – a middle-class, university-educated girl who, ludicrously, becomes a prostitute because she is too "lazy" to do "a proper job." Conforming to the view usually held by sexist pigs exploiting such women, Belle is a proponent of that absurdly romantic notion: a prostitute who not only likes sex but loves sex with her clients.
She had always been "open-minded", she explained. (Not to mention open-legged.) "While the other girls were getting groped behind the bike shed, I was losing my virginity to my chemistry teacher."
This was low, even for this show: making a virtue of child abuse. Passing it off as cool. (Belle is very much the It Girl – swanky apartment, forever drinking champagne in luxury hotels.)
Call Girl is offensively riddled with clichés that are frankly insulting to the audience's intelligence – even on ITV2. I mean, bike sheds: how old is Hannah/Belle anyway ? Being 'sexy' is invariably encapsulated by Piper prancing around in stockings and suspenders in a manner that suggests she and the writers have never really recovered from watching 9½ Weeks in the 1980s.
Piper seems intent on forging a career for herself as Robin Askwith du nos jours, with endless raunchy romps, comedy erections, and compromising positions. According to the show the sex call girls have is not remotely grubby or soul-destroying but is, in fact, amusing, invigorating and sexually satisfying.
Last night, one girl complained of virgins who "come too quickly" – when it's safe to assume most working girls would nothing love nothing better.
"That's just packaging," Belle defends her less appealing clients, although we never see those. Then again, Belle is such a nice girl she makes it a matter of personal pride to make sure everyone goes home happy. "I'm VERY good at my job." No, the sex in Call Girl is (don't say it) Zany, with quirky comic montages involving her Crazy clients and upbeat music such as the theme from Bewitched.
Being a prostitute seems such a great profession it's a wonder that more careers department don't recommend it. Last week, Belle/Hannah was back from one of her "many exciting, joyous adventures", boasting she'd just had "three weeks of sun and sex on a private island with a millionaire client." Aren't you envious?
Any suggestion that Belle is in struggling with the morals or negative side of her chosen career is marginal; she's just gleeful at making so much money and having such a great time. Of course, there's no possibility that Belle might be prostituting herself to support her drug habit. Neither does she ever get slapped about – or worse.
Predictably, but improbably, her clean-cut, sweet-natured boyfriend doesn't mind that she gets screwed senseless 10 times a day either. "Your job is just your job Hannah," Ben reassures her. "I can handle it." Ah, bless.
Piper seems to think that Secret Diary of a Call Girl is harmless. But it actually manages to be both trite, inane fluff and seriously pernicious, sending what is a depressing message to young girls who see Billie Piper as a role model. Perhaps if her daughter ended up on the game she might think differently.
• Secret Diary of A Call Girl is sponsored, appropriately by BlanX
• Jim Shelley is the TV critic of the Daily Mirror