How to Know If You're Demisexual

A person who is demisexual experiences sexual attraction only when they feel a true emotional bond with another person.

In other words, a demisexual person may not feel sexually attracted to a person they randomly see at a coffee shop, but if they were to start talking to that person and form an emotional connection, they might then become sexually attracted to them over time.

History of the Term 'Demisexual'

The earliest instance of the term demisexual dates back to 2006, when it was coined in the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network forums.

By 2008, the word ‘demisexuality’ had become more mainstream in the modern lexicon, likely as a result of others closely identifying with the term. Even some dating websites allow users to select 'demisexual' as their sexual orientation.

“We are now learning that being open to fluidity with respect to lifestyle and preference is the best approach,” said Dr. Margaret Seide, a board-certified psychiatrist and faculty member at New York University.

When Does Someone Who Identifies as Demisexual Become Physically Attracted to Someone?

While it's true that many people do want to experience an emotional connection to another person before engaging in any sort of sexual intimacy, this isn't considered the same thing as being demisexual.

The difference is that those who identify as demisexual cannot feel attracted to people they don't already have an emotional bond with or know on a deeper level. For example, a demisexual person wouldn't find themselves attracted to a famously "sexy" celebrity or even a classically attractive person on the street—in other words, they tend not to feel that same intensity or longing the way others might.

Another way to look at it—a demisexual person doesn't feel sexual attraction toward someone until they've bonded, whereas someone else might develop an emotional bond only after they've experienced that spark of sexual attraction.

Where Demisexuality Falls on the Sexuality Spectrum

Many demisexual people consider themselves to be on the asexual spectrum. While they may become attracted to another person over time, they don't feel primary attraction, which is the initial attraction based on appearance, voice, or smell. However, other demisexuals feel that the term "asexuality" doesn't fit their personal experience.

Demisexuality describes the circumstances in which a person experiences attraction. Who the person is attracted to can vary. Demisexuals may consider themselves heterosexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, queer, polyamorous, or pansexual. Regarding gender, a demisexual person might identify as male, female, agender, or nonbinary.

Again, the primary difference that sets demisexuals apart from others is that they almost always (if not always) find themselves sexually attracted to a person only once they’ve bonded with them on a more intimate, emotional, or spiritual level.

It’s also worth pointing out that a person might consider themselves demisexual at one point in their lives and feel differently at another point. People are ever-evolving and fluid.

“If that seems confusing, it may be because human sexuality is not easily labeled, defined, and put into a neat category,” Seide said. "With something as complex and multi-layered as human sexuality, it makes sense that one word doesn’t capture someone’s full experience as a sexual being."

The Difference Between Demisexual and Sapiosexual

The terms demisexual and sapiosexual are sometimes conflated. Though somewhat similar, they are actually two very different terms.

Intelligence is a characteristic that you can assume about a person without knowing them at all or only minimally. For example, a sapiosexual person can feel captivated by someone based only on finding out they are a Rhodes Scholar or a nuclear physicist. This wouldn't be in line with a demisexual, who requires more emotional depth.

So, Why Are the Terms Often Confused?

“Intelligence is a quality that can be known from a distance by that person’s accomplishments, but intelligence is also potentially an endearing and alluring quality that can form the basis for warmth and bonding. So, being a sapiosexual and demisexual [are] not the same, but not entirely separate,” Dr. Seide says.

Common Misconceptions About Demisexuality

Confusion about demisexuality is common. Many assumptions about demisexual persons are false:

• "It's not a thing." Many people experience sexual attraction in this way—enough to make the term useful. Like other words that people use to describe themselves and others, it's a kind of shorthand that helps clarify a person's preference when communicating with others, especially when dating.
• "Demisexuality is the same as asexuality." Asexual people don't (or rarely) experience sexual attraction or desire. Demisexual people do—just not in the same way as many others.
• "Demisexuals are gay/bisexual/asexual etc." The term doesn't describe attraction to a particular sex; it's about if and how a person is attracted to another, not to whom they are attracted.
• "Demisexuals fear, hate, or feel shame about sex." Demisexuality is not a moral choice, nor does it reflect a person's view of sex itself. Demisexuals simply don't feel attracted to people they don't know.
• "Demisexuals have to be in love to have sex." People who are demisexual require an emotional connection to feel attraction, but this isn't limited to love and is particular to the person. This connection might be a close friendship, for example.

How to Know If You’re Demisexual

“[This current-day approach to sex] is so standard that it creates the need to define behavior that differs from that with a term like demisexual,” Dr. Seide said. "If you are only drawn to someone after you get to know their personality, their life story, and trust that person, you may be demisexual."

How to Be Supportive of Demisexual People

Maybe a friend casually mentioned that they identify as demisexual, or perhaps someone came to you in confidence to share this intimate detail about themselves. It could also be possible that someone you’re romantically interested in has told you that they’re demisexual.

Whatever the case, it’s important to be sensitive, accepting, and patient.